remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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