I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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