if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
