I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
