i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
