No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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