I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
