dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
