You really coming over, don't trick.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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