Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
