Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
