at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
