Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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