worst night to have a conscience
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
