Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
