i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
