my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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