The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
