You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
