my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
