respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
