I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
