Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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