Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
