I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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