I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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