I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
