too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
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