So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
