I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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