Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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