dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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