The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
