I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize