You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
