i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
