i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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