I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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