I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
