I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
being pregnant is like rehab
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
