im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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