mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
