mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The air was thick with penises
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
