I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
