he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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