I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
