put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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