I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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