They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
