new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
