So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
