god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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