i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
