Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
