I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
