can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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