How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
