my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
